In just a few days now it will happen. Thousands of tugboats will attach millions of steel cables to the UK, at the cost of hundreds of billions of pounds. With an almighty crack, the UK will be torn from the continent of Europe, devastating wildlife, the fragile ecology, and Guardian readers. In an astonishing waste of public resources, we will be towed into the middle of the Atlantic.
Experts estimate that thousands will die of natural causes during this process. Pet owners have been warned that dogs and cats will undoubtedly be upset. Cartographers are especially furious as every map will have to be updated. Migratory birds will die as they attempt to land where the UK used to be, warmly ensconced in the loving bosom of Europe. Gilles de Rouge-Anal, President of the French Ornithological Society, has predicted an “avian apocalypse” whilst Paloma Faith has recorded a sixteen hour protest track composed entirely of her mimicking the screams of dying birds. The NME calls it “the most important album of the decade”.
That’s right. We are leaving Europe.