Are you racist? A quick guide

The following are all contributors to racism. Do you display any of them? If so, check your privilege.

1/Being alive. Almost all racist assaults are committed by people who are alive. Looking back through history we can see that 98% of racist statements were made by people who were still alive at the time of the statement.

2/ Gravity. A theory developed by a privileged white male. Before Isaac Newton there is strong evidence that everyone had the ability to fly. Newton was determined to keep women, trans, ethnic minorities and the disabled on the ground, where he could more easily exploit them.

3/ Breathing. This is closely connected to being alive, and has all the characteristics of a micro-aggression. White people have been breathing in a threatening manner for centuries and true racial equality can only come when they all stop.

4/ Thinking. This is an activity that privileged white males have unfairly dominated, and can result in dangerous developments such as Industrial Revolutions. For the sake of the planet the human tendency to invent things after thinking must be challenged at every opportunity and people should be encouraged to return to caves and forage for nuts.

5/ Not being racist. Not being racist is clearly racist, since everyone is racist and if you think you are not being racist you are refusing to deal with your own racism, with the racism in society, and with the historical burden of racism that quite clearly makes all other races better than yours.

6/ Dancing. Dancing is definitely racist, as it evokes memories of privileged white dominated ballrooms at the height of colonialism. Dancing is a social mechanism for appropriating black culture and imposing a white patriarchy, as seen in the horrific racist hate film, Saturday Night Fever.