What have the British ever done for us? They invented the modern world

Oh look! It's Isambard Kingdom Brunel!

At 11pm GMT Britain will be leaving the European Union, and the globalists over at the BBC can hardly contain their fury.

So angry are they that they’ve taken it upon themselves to tell British children that there are no “British things,” and that tea, sugar and cotton were all stolen or produced on the back of slavery.

That’s right, you horrible racists, don’t you know that your decent British cuppa is colonial?! BAME people died! Shame on you!

This useful and not at all damaging grotesque mis-rendering of history has been thoughtfully brought to us by the people at Horrible Histories, once a perfectly decent and even quite funny sketch show on history for the under 10s, but now, apparently, a paragon of Woke.

As if that wasn’t enough, the segment was tweeted out on (Happy) Brexit Day by the CBBC – the BBC’s children’s channel – bookended by Nish Kumar having a bit of a hissy fit about Brexit.

“Britain is striking out on its own and leaving Europe!” he helpfully tells under 13s. Let’s leave aside the physical impossibility of detaching the British Isles from the continental shelf of Europe as they’re clearly not going to get the message on that one, and move straight to the video. I’ve included a full transcript of the sketch, which takes the form of a song, below, in case by some divine intervention they actually recognise the error of their ways and take it down.

Do fuck off, Nish.

“I love to be a British Queen, I am Victoria you see.
Now where’s my British butler with my British cup of tea?”
“Tea is not from Britain ma’am, from India it was brought
Yes for your cuppa thousands died and many wars were fought.”

British things, my British things, it seems that tea is not
British things, my British things, – can I sweeten it a jot?

“Do tell me sugar’s British though.”  “No, it’s Caribbean imported.
For sugar in your cup of tea, slavery’s been supported.
I know it’s wrong Your Majesty but slaves in Africa
Worked hard in fields of sugarcane to sweeten up your char.”

British things, our British things, I thought that there were many.
British things, our British things, afraid there’s hardly any.

“You know your British cotton vest?” “What’s wrong with it? Explain.”
“The cotton’s from America and picked by slaves again.
Your empire’s built on fighting wars, that’s how your income’s swollen
Your British things are from abroad and most are frankly stolen.”

“Whatever next, go on, pray tell?” “Our British Queen is foreign as well.”
“It’s true I am of foreign descent.” “And your husband Albert – ” “A German gent.”
“At least I’ve got a British name.”
“Victoria’s Latin.” “That’s a shame!”

British things, our British things, there are none we declare
All our favourite British things seem to come from elsewhere.

A little while ago (May 18, 2018 to be precise), online magazine them published a completely and utterly hilarious article titled Israel Makes the Hormones I Need, But I Support Palestinian Liberation. Christ, it must be difficult being a liberal. Imagine the sorts of quandaries they must face on a daily basis.

However, if they think boycotting Israel is tricky, wait until they mount a boycott of British goods and services.

Here’s a non-exhaustive list of things they’ll have to do without in their post-post Brexit woke-topia:

Telescopes, submarines, logarithms, desalination, steam power, seed drills, steam engines, the plough, winnowing machines, electrostatic motors, baseball, drainage, sociology, economics, cast iron, and later, steel, leading to high rise buildings, the adjustable spanner, threshing machines, selective breeding, vaccines, incandescent lightbulbs, railways, haymaking machines, bone china, macadam, Babbage’s difference engine (ie, computers), cement, whisky, reaping machines, electromagnets, spinning jennies, sewing machines, electric generators, bikes, stamps, fertiliser, turbines, passenger liners, fax machines, Boolian algebra, hypodermic syringes, photoelectric cells (ie solar panels), the light switch, universal standard time, modern rock climbing, hydraulic crane, tractors, the internal combustion engine, Christmas cards, anaesthesia, pencils, rubber bands, electroluminescence (LEDs), the fundamentals of aircraft design, blood transfusions, toasters, shorthand, flushing toilets, typewriters, televisions, aspirin, wellies, jet engines, the anglepoise lamp, Keynesian economics, computer programming, DNA, calculators, epilepsy treatments, insulin, collapsible baby buggies, dishwashers, vacuum cleaners, ibuprofen, fire extinguishers, carbon fibre, modern dairy farming, IVF babies, MP3 players, tree shelters, to protect tree seedlings, the internet, graphine, the raspberry pi – ok, I think you get the picture.

In short, over four centuries, give or take, Britain almost single-handedly invented the modern world. If the BBC and its cheerleaders really thinks that’s nothing they are welcome to return to an agrarian society free from the oppressive colonial patriarchal encumbernces of civilisation; although with no tools and no fertiliser at their disposal, they ought to be mindful that the life expectancy is likely to be somewhere around 35, and God help them if the harvest fails.

But if that’s what they really want, they’re welcome to it. As long as they leave the rest of us – and our children – out of it.