A Night At the Oscars

Declining to Fall’s Bartholomew Chiaroscuro was at the Oscars last night, where he picked up the award for Best Fictional Personality. Here we print his acceptance speech in full:

“I’d just like to take this opportunity to tell poor people a few home truths:

“You are poor because you are stupid. That’s why you vote for Trump or Brexit. Me and all my friends are much smarter than you, that’s why we are rich and successful.

“Being rich and successful makes us better than you. You should know this and listen to everything we say on every topic. Just try to think to yourself what would rich people do? Don’t do the same. You aren’t worthy of doing the same.

“It’s poor people like you that make the world shit. I hope you know that. You keep having kids. We need some of them to wash our cars and shine our shoes, but not so many, ok? Stop having sex and making babies. We’ve got the whole third world for servants and we are happy to bring them here. We don’t need you. So, fewer kids. Try to die alone. Maybe get into some kinky shit because we like to watch that on YouPorn.

“What the fuck are you doing having foreign holidays? Plane travel is for people like me, ok, not losers like you. It’s so irresponsible of you to take two flights a year. I take about two hundred flights a year but I’m worth it. Peasants never used to travel more than five miles from the lords field, you know? Try to get back to that. Think of the planet, you selfish bastards.

“Eating meat and drinking milk? I mean, come on. You can get by on bread and gruel you know. It’s good for you, morally. And I can’t repeat this enough. It’s all you deserve. I’m pretty sure that you having a burger now and then causes volcanos. Think of the impact you are having.

“Finally, I’d like to remind you that it’s 2020. Some of you are still Male. We didn’t make gender realignment cool for nothing you know. Cut those balls off, get rid of those cocks. Otherwise you’re just another misogynist. Oh and whiteness. Just stop now, ok? You’ve no reason to be white anymore. You keep persisting in it and it’s so backwards and oppressive.

“Because if you don’t do something about all this shit soon, we will. We are bored of making films about it. The death squads come next, ok? Cheers.”