Those EU Deal Requirements In Full

We finally have the full EU requirements for a free trade deal with the UK:
– Gibraltar to be handed to Spain;
– The Falklands to be handed to Argentina;
– The Isle of Wight to be administered by the UN;
– Dover to be handed to France;
– The English Channel to be renamed the French Channel;
– All our fish granted the full rights of Spanish citizenship;
– All EU nationals allowed to welcome family members to the UK for the next 10,000 years;
– All Spanish fish to have a vote in British elections, held in proxy by a man called Julio;
– A full body kowtow whenever someone British meets an EU national;
– The British should be seen but not heard;
– A Firstborn Child Tax to be paid in the form of firstborn children, to be collected in a van with tinted windows by a Portuguese or Belgian gentleman.

The French are already saying that the terms are far too lenient and the final provision too vague; the EU should demand 15,000 child virgins as sexual slaves each year, they have said.

The British government has, however, stoutly pointed out that we have already assigned those virgins to the British Muslim community.